My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
