It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
