Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
