omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
