I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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