Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
