she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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