My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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