I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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