Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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