I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize