I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
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