I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
