I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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