I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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