I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
