someone get that fucking seahorse.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
