Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
