some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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