Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize