Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I need a beard to bite.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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