please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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