i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
