can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Please, let me fuck your mom
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
