I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize