i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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