I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
