There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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