I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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