I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
