he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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