Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
