I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
