Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
