i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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