Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
i barfeds in our rink
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
