And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Randomize
