Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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