And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
