Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
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