cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
