Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
