Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You ate ashes out of my bong
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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