I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
