I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
