Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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