made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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