I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize