apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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