I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
