I only kidnapped one of them. chill
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
