I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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