So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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