how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
