Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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