I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
