I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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