Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
