i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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