I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
