If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
